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Disability
Three
friends were fishing in the north Atlantic when they came across a
mermaid in trouble. Upon rescuing her, the mermaid asked each one of
them if they need her blessings for any physical problems. First friend
said, "I have back pain." The mermaid touched and back pain
disappeared. The second friend said, "I have sciatica." As the mermaid
blessed him sciatica was gone. The third friend said, "Don't even dare
to touch me, it took me 2 years to get on disability."
Stage Show
In
a local theater show a person was singing on the stage. After a short
while a man from the audience got up with a long stick in his hand. The
person singing was slightly shaken and stammered. The man said, "I have
no problems with you. Please continue to sing, I am looking for the
person who brought you on the stage."
Expert Diagnosis
Two
old buddies meet after a long time, completing their Neurology training
from highly reputed institutes. While chatting at a restaurant, they
notice a person walking by with a slight limp. To impress each other
with their expertise, they make a bet on his diagnosis. One friend
says, "I feel it is a neuropathy." The other friend says, "no, it is
due to myopathy."
After making their fancy diagnosis, they ask the person if he would mind sharing his diagnosis.
The stranger says, "What diagnosis? My slippers broke this morning and I need a new ones."
Meeting Schedule
A
Chairman of a company always use to schedule staff meetings at 4.30pm
on Friday afternoons. One day an employee politely asks the Chairman,
"What is the reason for choosing this particular day and time for the
meetings?"
The Chairman replied, "It's very simple. This is the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."
Smoker's Quest
In
Southeast Asia a tourist while waiting at a train station asks the
Security officer standing at the counter, "Excuse me Sir, can I smoke
cigarette?" The Security officer directs him to the nearby notice board
which displays, "No Smoking" sign. The tourist is unhappy and says,
"How come the person standing at the next counter is smoking?" The
officer replies, "Well, he did not ask me".
Special Soup
An
elegant business man staying at a 5 star hotel orders soup for supper.
He is visibly angry and calls the waiter to his table. He vents, "How
dare there be a fly in my soup?" The waiter who is a trained MBA in
hospitality keeps his cool and whispers in the customer's ear, "Please
speak softly, we are out of stock in case others start asking for the
same soup." The man seemingly satisfied continues with his meal.
Expiration Date
One
day the wife of a middle aged couple sees her husband frustrated and
reading the Marriage Certificate from top to bottom, flipping it over
and then reading it again!
She asks," My dear, now what are you
looking for?" He answered, "Nothing dear, I am just looking for the
expiration date for this certificate."
Research
A
young researcher was conducting research with frogs in a scientific
institute. He trained the frog to jump on his order. Then he amputated
one hind leg and ordered the frog to jump. The frog jumped a short
distance. Then a second leg was cut and the frog was ordered to jump.
The jump was even shorter than the previous attempt. After the third
leg was amputated, the frog did not jump at all. The conclusion derived
was, "The frog stopped hearing after three legs were amputated."
Aging
After
a physical exam the doctor could not find anything wrong with his
patient. The patient still complained of a big problem. "What exactly
is your problem?" asked the doctor. The patient replied, "My problem is
that I have a big bowel movement every morning at 5am." "That is good,
everyone should have," said the doctor. The patient mumbled,
"Absolutely, but doctor, I don't even wake up until six!"
Doctor's advice
A
patient recovering from a recent heart attack goes to visit his
cardiologist for a follow up. The patient is eager to know when can he
return back to his normal love life. After a full check up the
cardiologist says, " You will be able to resume your love life as soon
as you can climb two flight of stairs without getting out of breath."
The patient says, "OK! but what if I look for women who live on the ground floor?"
Constipation
An
old woman goes to see her doctor for constipation. "It's terrible, I
haven't moved my bowels in a week." "Well, have you done anything about
it?" asked the doctor. "Yes, I sit in the bathroom for half an hour in
the morning and again at night." "No, I mean do you take anything?"
questioned the doctor. "Naturally, I take an IPhone and a book" she
answered.
Life support course
A
young lady was narrating a story of a recent incident to her friend.
She said, "Yesterday, it was awful when I witnessed a terrible accident
while walking down the street. A man was thrown from his car in the
middle of street. He was bleeding. His skull appeared fractured and leg
broken." Her friend asked, "What did you do?"
"Thank God! I had taken the life support course, I sat down and put my head between my knees to prevent myself from fainting."
Blood pressure
A
patient visits his primary care doctor for a headache. The physician
remarks on the extraordinary face complexion. The patient says, "Doc.
It is high blood pressure. It comes from my family." The doctor asks,
"From your father's side or your mother's?" The patient replies,
"Neither, It is from my wife's family." The doc. says "Oh! come on now,
how can your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
The patient sighed. "You got to meet them sometime, Doc."
Hearing Aid
A
grandson goes to a shopping mall looking for a good hearing aid for his
dear grandfather. The salesman displays different models of hearing
aids ranging from 20 dollars to 2000 dollars. Grandson is surprised
with the variety. He inquires, "What is the difference between a 20
dollar one and 2000 dollars?" The salesman explains, "All are the state
of art models, the one priced 20 dollars appears original but is enough
to signal others that the person wearing has hearing problems and will
probably benefit if spoken loudly."
Cell Phone
A university
undergrad was in her psychologist's office, terribly upset following a
bad dream. The psychologist asked, "Now tell me about this dream you
had".
The young lady said, "Well, I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing on, stark naked but a cell phone in my hand."
"Were you embarrassed?" asked the psychologist. "Yes, I was. It was the last year's model."
Accountant
An
accountant is having a hard time sleeeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." The doctor asks him,
"Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem, I make a mistake
and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Insomnia
A
middle aged man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor
examined him and found nothing physically wrong. The doctor said,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure insomnia, you need to stop taking
your troubles to bed with you."
The patient said, "It's true, but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
Tit for Tat
A
newly married couple had become prone to daily arguments. The husband
was lazy and not interested in the problems of maintenance of home. One
day the wife said, "The dishwasher is not working." The husband
replied, "Do you think I am a technician?" Another time she said, "The
kitchen sink is blocked". and the husband replied, "Do you think I am a
plumber." One day the bedroom light bulb was not working. The wife on
asking the husband to fix it, replied "Do you think I am an
electrician?"
One
day on returning home the husband was surprised, everything was in
order. He asked his wife about the same. The wife said, "The pizza man
delivered pizza at lunch hour and asked me why I looked so sad?" I told
him of the problems to be fixed and he said he can do it if I prepared
a good meal or had sex with him. The husband asked so what did you
cook? The wife said, "Do you think I am a cook?"
Judgement
After
a doctor visit, the patient was quite upset and called her doctor's
office. She wanted to confirm if the medication that he had prescribed
was for the rest of her life. She was informed that it was. There was a
moment of silence before the patient said, "I am wondering then, just
how serious my condition is?" This prescription is marked, "no refills."
Old Friends
Two
old buddies, a physician and psychoanalyst happen to come across each
other after about 25 years. After a long chat the physician says, “You
know these days I have a problem, I tend to forget things very soon.”
The psychoanalyst friend replied, “My problem is exactly opposite
to yours, I have difficulty in recalling things I have forgotten.”
Signs of Aging
One
evening an elderly couple visit their friends' place. The men start
chatting in the living room while their wives go into the kitchen for
refreshments.
The guest says to his friend, "The food at the downtown city restaurant
is excellent!". His friend asks him the name of the restaurant. The
guest thinks for awhile and says, "What do you call a plant that has
red flowers and thorns"? His friend replies, "thats simple, a rose!"
The guest calls towards the kitchen and says, "Hey, Rose! What's the
name of that downtown restaurant where we ate the other day"?
Professional Touch
A
person goes to visit his lawyer friend who is seriously ill in the
hospital. He finds him sitting up in bed and anxiously going through the
Bible."What are you doing?" his friend asked. "Well, I am looking for loopholes," the lawyer replied.
PAST JOKES
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Dr. Gurprit S. Lamba comes from a medical family. Born in North India, Dr.
Lamba, trained in Internal Medicine. He taught at medical schools in India and
in the Caribbean and practiced in diverse clinical and cultural settings, from
urban and academic to rural and primary care, and from Asian to Western
cultures. Dr. Lamba believes laughter is not only beneficial to individual
health, but encourages understanding and facilitates communication and harmony
among people everywhere.
If you are a WPA-TPS member and
want to contribute a pellet of laughter, please contact
Gurprit S. Lamba, M.D. 
DISCLAIMER
This
compilation of jokes includes the contributions from people around the
world. I do not claim to be author of all the jokes. If anyone finds it
offensive or has copyright of a specific joke, it is unintentional. In
that case, please let us know and we will remove it.
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