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Marriage
In
honor of their marriage a mother gave her daughter and son-in-law a new
50 inch LCD TV. Shortly after it was delivered, she stopped over at the
newlyweds to see the TV- She said, loudly to the son-in-law, "Enjoy the
big, bright picture". She quietly handed the remote to her daughter and
whispered, "Here, enjoy the remote it is all yours!"
Curiosity
An
elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a
question with his doctor, "Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my
wife?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends-
when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call
my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when
did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"
A Special Statement
A
wealthy business man comes home drunk almost daily, that is usually
followed by arguments and yelling at his wife. One fine morning upon
waking up, he is surprised to see his bedroom in perfect shape.
Everything seems to be in proper place, clean, spic and span with
ironed clothes on the side. On a table he finds a note by his wife
stating, "Breakfast is ready and lunch is packed". "I Love you honey, I
am going to work and will see you in the evening". On the dining table
he asks his son if everything is alright? The son says, "When you came
home confused, swearing and dead drunk last night, Mom helped you to
the bedroom and tried to take off your shoes and dirty clothes, You
promptly said, "Hey! Madam, Don't touch me, I'm married!"
A Special Consultation
A
beautiful lady sore on the face goes to the doctor and says, "Every
time my husband comes home late night drunk, we argue, yell at each
other and he beats me left and right". The doctor being an experienced
old man replies, "I indeed have a good medicine for this sophisticated
problem. When your husband comes home drunk, take a glass of green tea,
put some ginger with a pinch of honey and start gargling with it.
Gargle and gargle for about 10 to 15 minutes".
After a couple of
weeks the lady is all fresh, happy and thankful to the doctor. "It is a
wonderful treatment". "I repeatedly gargle and he neither argues nor
beats me". "I am indeed very curious to know the mechanics of
treatment".
The doctor politely says, "Sometimes keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Evolution
A
man selling hats passed through the woods everyday on his way to the
market. One sunny day he decided to take a nap under the shade of a
tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find that all hats were
gone. Hats were seen on the heads of chimps on the nearby trees. He
knew how to fool the chimps so he scratched his leg and so did the
chimps. He then took off his hat and threw on the ground and chimps of
course repeated the same action. He gathered all his hats and sold at a
good price. Seven decades later his grandson had a similar experience,
while taking a nap on a warm afternoon in the woods. Remembering his
grandfather's story he looked at the chimps and scratched his legs, all
the chimps imitated him. Next he threw his hat on the ground. None of
the chimps did that and in fact within a few minutes a chimp came down
the tree and picked up his hat. The grandson stared at the chimp and
the chimp said, "Well, You are not the only one who had a grandfather".
A Question
During
the Neuropsychiatry rounds, the resident asks his attending, "So, What
is the diagnosis of this patient?" The attending replies, "Indeed a
very good question" "Well, let me put it this way. Our knowledge in
this field has made great strides. Earlier we knew what we are talking
about and now don’t even know what we are dealing with".
Everlasting Marriage
A happily married couple for more than forty years used to frequently argue with each other.
One
day the wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for being
stressed and worked up. After his checkup, the wife went to speak to
the doctor alone. He said, "Your husband can die because of a very
severe stress disorder and you should follow instructions carefully".
"Be
cheerful and pleasant at all times and don't burden him with daily
chores". "Don't discuss your problems or nag him". "Each day fix him a
healthy breakfast, a nutritious lunch and a nice dinner". "Take out
time to have an evening stroll with him". "Well, make love to him
regularly and if you do all this for couple of years, I am sure he will
be back to his original form".
On the way back home the husband
asked his wife "What discussion did you have with the Doc"? "Oh,
nothing much, he just said you are going to die!"
Election Campaign
A
very wealthy business man says to his friendly neighbor, "If you run
for the position of a Chief Minister in the forthcoming elections, I
will leave no stone unturned and will spend maximum money for election
campaign to ensure that you win". The friend surprisingly asks, "You
are interested to spend on me being a Chief Minister! Why don't you run
for the same position?"
The business man politely says, "You should
understand, it wouldn't be nice of me to be in that position and do all
kinds of hanky panky things".
Praise
Two
friends meet at the campus cafetaria after a long period of time. One
says to the other, "Has our professor who lives on the ground floor
dormitory died? I haven't seen him for ages". "What makes you think
like that?" asks his friend. "Well, lately I have been hearing a lot of
praise about him on the campus".
Future
After
a press conference on astrology and palmistry a journalist asks a
famous palmist, "Sir, if you don't mind can you tell me what do lines
on your palm speak about your own future?" The palmist politely wispers
in the journalist's ears, "Unfortunately, they only say to cheat
people".
Don't worry be happy!
A
young graduate from an oil rich country, enrolls for PhD in Philosophy
in the West. After a few months, he emails his father stating, "Dear
Dad, I feel embarrassed driving to the university in my luxury car. All
my professors use train." His dad replies, "Don't worry, be happy! I am
transferring you 10 million and get a train."
Business
A
beggar in a tourist spot was asking for alms carrying a tin bucket
in each hand. A tourist dropped some money in one of the buckets but
could not resist asking, "Sir, Why do you have two buckets, one in each
hand?
The beggar replied with a great enthusiasm, "The business is so good, I have recently opened a branch office.
Meetings
A
new hotel was almost ready in a large city and the hotel management had
come up with the idea of having a rear door for various reasons. A
meeting with the fire department officials concluded that the rear door
should always be open for an easier escape and safety of the guests. On
a later date, meeting with the security officials the decision was made
to keep the rear door always locked for security purposes.
For final
approval, the hotel management had their board meeting and they
concluded to have two rear doors, one for the fire department always
open and another for the security department always locked.
A Question
Two
chain smokers were attending a spiritual ceremony and both wanted to
smoke while in the complex. They planned to ask the spiritual head for
permission. One said to the other, "I was denied." "What did you ask?"
inquired his friend. I asked, "Can I smoke while meditating?" and the
head replied, "That is unacceptable." "I am so sorry!" said his friend
with a cigarette in his mouth. I just asked if I could meditate while I
smoke and the head said, "Not a problem, my friend!"
Knowledge
Two
young Postgraduate students upon completion of their Doctorates in
Philosophy were attending a conference. They were full of knowledge and
eager to use it with every opportunity. While staying at a nearby
hotel, they went to visit the indoor swimming pool. They were shocked
to find a person in a formal suit struggling in the pool and shouting,
"Help! Help! Someone pushed me!"
Both young ladies looked at each
other and one said firmly to the other, "It seems the person who pushed
him definitely needs some kind of help."
Payment
An
office worker had a daily routine of taking the 7.00am bus to his work
place. On the way he used to frequently come across the same passenger
smoking a cigarette. One fine morning he requested, "Sir, I inhale half
the smoke of your cigarette! Could you please refrain from smoking in
the bus?"
The man softly replied, "Sure, will do, but please return half the amount of my cigarette cost in the last 6 months."
A Learned Person
A highly
educated scholar was travelling on a plane to chair an international
conference. He was seated next to a beautiful young woman. After the
plane tookoff, he turned to her and said, "Hello! I have heard that if
two intellectuals talk to each other the destination comes quicker."
The lady replied, "What would you like to talk about?" The scholar
says, "Well, what do you think about artificial intelligence?" The
woman ponders, "Actually I have a quick question for you. If a goat,
cow and a horse all eat green grass, why does then the goat produce
small pellets, the cow produces a fuzzy material and the horse produces
a grassy kind of stuff from the lower end". The learned man thinks and
replies, "I am not sure." The young woman says, "You know nothing about
crap! and you talk about things like artificial intelligence!"
Meow! Meow!
A
famous criminal lawyer is trying to help his client in an upcoming
court hearing. It is a tough case and the lawyer instructs his client
to reply every question asked by the honorable judge saying, 'Meow!
Meow!'
At the end of court hearing, the judge considers the client
innocent but insane and refers him for treatment. As the judge and jury
members leave, the lawyer hugs his client and asks for the remaining
fees. The client immediately replies, "Meow! Meow!"
Hearing Aids
An
elderly person had hearing problems which had worsened in the last few
years. After a thorough medical check up and receiving hearing aids
with the latest tehcnology he was fortunate to hear well. During a
follow up visit the doctor said to him,
"As your hearing is perfect, I am sure your family must be pleased and happy that you can hear again."
The
elderly man replied, "I haven't even told my family yet. I have a
big family and I just sit around listening to their conversations.
Well, I have changed my will four times since."
Appearance
At a movie studio the director says to his makeup artist to make an actor and
actress
look like a 70 year old couple from a 40 year old looking couple. In no
time the makeup artist steps out of the green room with the couple. The
director is excited to see the wonderfully genuine looking old man and
an old woman. He immediately offers a 100 dollar bill to the makeup
artist for an excellent job in minimum time. The makeup fellow is happy
and states "Sir, thanks for the reward but actually I didn't do much.
They just removed their wig and washed their faces."
Lottery
An
ordinary farmer wins a 10 million dollars lottery. The lottery officer
discusses with his fellow members of how to disclose this news to the
simple farmer who may not be able to digest winning such an amount. One
member suggests
that the local village head who is a mature,
highly learned and respected should be the best person to disclose the
great news. The village head agrees and says to the farmer, "My dear,
if by the God's grace you win 10 million dollars lottery, What will you
do?" The farmer replies, "I will give half the amount to
you." The village head says, "Really!" and ends up having a heart attack.
Stage Show
In
a local theater show a person was singing on the stage. After a short
while a man from the audience got up with a long stick in his hand. The
person singing was slightly shaken and stammered. The man said, "I have
no problems with you. Please continue to sing, I am looking for the
person who brought you on the stage."
Expert Diagnosis
Two
old buddies meet after a long time, completing their Neurology training
from highly reputed institutes. While chatting at a restaurant, they
notice a person walking by with a slight limp. To impress each other
with their expertise, they make a bet on his diagnosis. One friend
says, "I feel it is a neuropathy." The other friend says, "no, it is
due to myopathy."
After making their fancy diagnosis, they ask the person if he would mind sharing his diagnosis.
The stranger says, "What diagnosis? My slippers broke this morning and I need a new ones."
Meeting Schedule
A
Chairman of a company always use to schedule staff meetings at 4.30pm
on Friday afternoons. One day an employee politely asks the Chairman,
"What is the reason for choosing this particular day and time for the
meetings?"
The Chairman replied, "It's very simple. This is the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."
Smoker's Quest
In
Southeast Asia a tourist while waiting at a train station asks the
Security officer standing at the counter, "Excuse me Sir, can I smoke
cigarette?" The Security officer directs him to the nearby notice board
which displays, "No Smoking" sign. The tourist is unhappy and says,
"How come the person standing at the next counter is smoking?" The
officer replies, "Well, he did not ask me".
Special Soup
An
elegant business man staying at a 5 star hotel orders soup for supper.
He is visibly angry and calls the waiter to his table. He vents, "How
dare there be a fly in my soup?" The waiter who is a trained MBA in
hospitality keeps his cool and whispers in the customer's ear, "Please
speak softly, we are out of stock in case others start asking for the
same soup." The man seemingly satisfied continues with his meal.
Expiration Date
One
day the wife of a middle aged couple sees her husband frustrated and
reading the Marriage Certificate from top to bottom, flipping it over
and then reading it again!
She asks," My dear, now what are you
looking for?" He answered, "Nothing dear, I am just looking for the
expiration date for this certificate."
Research
A
young researcher was conducting research with frogs in a scientific
institute. He trained the frog to jump on his order. Then he amputated
one hind leg and ordered the frog to jump. The frog jumped a short
distance. Then a second leg was cut and the frog was ordered to jump.
The jump was even shorter than the previous attempt. After the third
leg was amputated, the frog did not jump at all. The conclusion derived
was, "The frog stopped hearing after three legs were amputated."
Aging
After
a physical exam the doctor could not find anything wrong with his
patient. The patient still complained of a big problem. "What exactly
is your problem?" asked the doctor. The patient replied, "My problem is
that I have a big bowel movement every morning at 5am." "That is good,
everyone should have," said the doctor. The patient mumbled,
"Absolutely, but doctor, I don't even wake up until six!"
Doctor's advice
A
patient recovering from a recent heart attack goes to visit his
cardiologist for a follow up. The patient is eager to know when can he
return back to his normal love life. After a full check up the
cardiologist says, " You will be able to resume your love life as soon
as you can climb two flight of stairs without getting out of breath."
The patient says, "OK! but what if I look for women who live on the ground floor?"
Constipation
An
old woman goes to see her doctor for constipation. "It's terrible, I
haven't moved my bowels in a week." "Well, have you done anything about
it?" asked the doctor. "Yes, I sit in the bathroom for half an hour in
the morning and again at night." "No, I mean do you take anything?"
questioned the doctor. "Naturally, I take an IPhone and a book" she
answered.
Life support course
A
young lady was narrating a story of a recent incident to her friend.
She said, "Yesterday, it was awful when I witnessed a terrible accident
while walking down the street. A man was thrown from his car in the
middle of street. He was bleeding. His skull appeared fractured and leg
broken." Her friend asked, "What did you do?"
"Thank God! I had taken the life support course, I sat down and put my head between my knees to prevent myself from fainting."
Blood pressure
A
patient visits his primary care doctor for a headache. The physician
remarks on the extraordinary face complexion. The patient says, "Doc.
It is high blood pressure. It comes from my family." The doctor asks,
"From your father's side or your mother's?" The patient replies,
"Neither, It is from my wife's family." The doc. says "Oh! come on now,
how can your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
The patient sighed. "You got to meet them sometime, Doc."
Hearing Aid
A
grandson goes to a shopping mall looking for a good hearing aid for his
dear grandfather. The salesman displays different models of hearing
aids ranging from 20 dollars to 2000 dollars. Grandson is surprised
with the variety. He inquires, "What is the difference between a 20
dollar one and 2000 dollars?" The salesman explains, "All are the state
of art models, the one priced 20 dollars appears original but is enough
to signal others that the person wearing has hearing problems and will
probably benefit if spoken loudly."
Cell Phone
A university
undergrad was in her psychologist's office, terribly upset following a
bad dream. The psychologist asked, "Now tell me about this dream you
had".
The young lady said, "Well, I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing on, stark naked but a cell phone in my hand."
"Were you embarrassed?" asked the psychologist. "Yes, I was. It was the last year's model."
Accountant
An
accountant is having a hard time sleeeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." The doctor asks him,
"Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem, I make a mistake
and then spend three hours trying to find it."
PAST JOKES
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Dr. Gurprit S. Lamba comes from a medical family. Born in North India, Dr.
Lamba, trained in Internal Medicine. He taught at medical schools in India and
in the Caribbean and practiced in diverse clinical and cultural settings, from
urban and academic to rural and primary care, and from Asian to Western
cultures. Dr. Lamba believes laughter is not only beneficial to individual
health, but encourages understanding and facilitates communication and harmony
among people everywhere.
If you are a WPA-TPS member and
want to contribute a pellet of laughter, please contact
Gurprit S. Lamba, M.D. 
DISCLAIMER
This
compilation of jokes includes the contributions from people around the
world. I do not claim to be author of all the jokes. If anyone finds it
offensive or has copyright of a specific joke, it is unintentional. In
that case, please let us know and we will remove it.
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