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PAST
JOKES
Judgement
After
a doctor visit, the patient was quite upset and called her doctor's
office. She wanted to confirm if the medication that he had prescribed
was for the rest of her life. She was informed that it was. There was a
moment of silence before the patient said, "I am wondering then, just
how serious my condition is?" This prescription is marked, "no refills."
Old Friends
Two
old buddies, a physician and psychoanalyst happen to come across each
other after about 25 years. After a long chat the physician says, “You
know these days I have a problem, I tend to forget things very soon.”
The psychoanalyst friend replied, “My problem is exactly opposite
to yours, I have difficulty in recalling things I have forgotten.”
Signs of Aging
One
evening an elderly couple visit their friends' place. The men start
chatting in the living room while their wives go into the kitchen for
refreshments.
The guest says to his friend, "The food at the downtown city restaurant
is excellent!". His friend asks him the name of the restaurant. The
guest thinks for awhile and says, "What do you call a plant that has
red flowers and thorns"? His friend replies, "thats simple, a rose!"
The guest calls towards the kitchen and says, "Hey, Rose! What's the
name of that downtown restaurant where we ate the other day"?
Professional Touch
A
person goes to visit his lawyer friend who is seriously ill in the
hospital. He finds him sitting up in bed and anxiously going through the
Bible."What are you doing?" his friend asked. "Well, I am looking for loopholes," the lawyer replied. Selection Criteria
Three
candidates were short listed for an accountant's job by the
Politician's secretary. They were all excellent, experienced and
personable. The politician asked each a simple question, "What is two
and two?" The first replied "Four." The second replied, "Statistically
anything between 3.999 to 4.011". The third replied, "Well, What do you
want it to be?" He was selected immediately.
Self Conscious
A
corporate executive preoccupied with his body image takes time out from
a busy schedule to get lunch at a nearby pizza place. He orders a small
pizza to go. The waiter, seeing him alone, asks if he would like it cut
into 4 or 6 pieces. The gentleman thinks for some time and replies,
"Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces." Th
Trust
A
person buys a new TV. To get rid of his old TV, he puts it in his front
yard and hangs a sign saying: "Free, You want it, You take it." For
a couple of days the TV sits there without even one person looking at it.
He thinks people are not trusting his deal so he changes the sign : "TV
for sale, $100.00" The next day it gets stolen!Marriage
After
a fight, wife says to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Super Computer
An
engineer at an information technology conference announces having built
a
super computer which behaves like human beings. When asked by the media
to elaborate his invention, he replies, "If there is any problem with
this computer it blames the other computers."
Fall Precautions
A
gentleman comes to the hospital to see his grandfather, who is admitted
to the geriatrics floor. He is furious to find out that the nurses have
been giving him viagra at night. He complains to the Head nurse about
his concern. The chief nurse tells him to calm down, and that it is
being given to prevent him from rolling off the bed. A Saintly Man
A
saintly man is crossing the river on a small boat. The boat is operated
by a
young boy who rows with great enthusiasm and energy. Along the way the
man asks the young boy what he does to thank God. The boy replies, "I
am too busy earning my livelihood, I just remember him once in the
morning and before going to bed." "Have you ever read any holy books?",
the man asked. "No, in fact I never have," replied the young boy.
The
saintly man commented to the boy that half of his life is garbage.
Later during the day there is a storm and the young boy asks "Do
you know how to swim?"The wise man says, I am afraid I do not.
The boy comments, "Then all of your life is garbage." Consultant
A man
has problems with his love life after a few years of marriage. He
visits his doctor who told him that medicines like viagra will not work
for him. He goes to a psychologist for second opinion. The psychologist
suggests that he try something new. After a few nights of love making,
his wife is happy and contented but curious about why he goes to
another room to mumble a few words before the act. One day she listens
behind the closed door. She hears a soft voice repeating over and over
again: "She is not my wife!" Insomnia
A
middle aged man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor
examined him and found nothing physically wrong. The doctor said,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure insomnia, you need to stop taking
your troubles to bed with you."
The patient said, "It's true, but my wife refuses to sleep alone."
Tit for Tat
A
newly married couple had become prone to daily arguments. The husband
was lazy and not interested in the problems of maintenance of home. One
day the wife said, "The dishwasher is not working." The husband
replied, "Do you think I am a technician?" Another time she said, "The
kitchen sink is blocked". and the husband replied, "Do you think I am a
plumber." One day the bedroom light bulb was not working. The wife on
asking the husband to fix it, replied "Do you think I am an
electrician?"
One
day on returning home the husband was surprised, everything was in
order. He asked his wife about the same. The wife said, "The pizza man
delivered pizza at lunch hour and asked me why I looked so sad?" I told
him of the problems to be fixed and he said he can do it if I prepared
a good meal or had sex with him. The husband asked so what did you
cook? The wife said, "Do you think I am a cook?" Logic
A well known elderly lawyer in a metropolitan city has memory problems. Once
while fighting a court case, he forgot that it was his client and he
spoke against him in front of the judge and the jury. The junior lawyer
alerted him about the error. He immediately realized his mistake and
said to the jury: "Everything I just said, was meant to be
said by my colleague, the prosecutor. Now I am going to disprove all
the points that I just mentioned about my client". He eventually won
the case. True Friends
Two
buddies used to regularly go drinking. One of the friends got sick and
was on his death bed. His friend asked him if he had one last wish. The
sick friend said: "You know, we used to be drinking buddies so whenever
you visit my grave, just pour a bottle of scotch over it".
"Sure for you, I'll do anything. The only problem here is that it will pass through my kidneys," replied his friend. Treatment
Modality
An obese man goes to a doctor for
treatment to get thin and appear smarter. At night he dreams, running
and following a beautiful girl in jungle. On waking up in the morning,
he is sweating and happy to find himself in good shape. He shares this
wonderful experience with his friends. A friend who is obese goes to the
same doctor and dreams at night, a devil is running after him. In the
morning he is smarter but not happy with experience. On complaining to
the doctor, the doc says, 'Your friend had a good insurance whereas you
were without insurance.'
Mental Retardation
A journalist happened to visit a new mental institution.
He asked the doctor "How do you detect mental retardation in someone who appears completely normal?
The
doctor said, "nothing is easy, I ask a simple question which every one
should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on
the track for further evalution." "Well, what sort of question?" The
doctor said you might ask "Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died during one of them." Tell me, "Which one?" Journalist
thought for a moment and then said, "I must confess, I don't know much
about history. Would you happen to have another example?" Communication
An elderly patient is sitting on her bed in the geriatric ward. She tries to lean towards the right.A nursing assistant rushes to her side and places a pillow on her right side. The patient then tries to llean to the left and a nurse places another pillow on that side. The patient tries to lean forward and another nurse places the table in front of her. Later during the day a psychiatrist interviews her about her problem.She says "These people around me don't even allow me to pass gas!" Changing Culture
A man whose wife delivered a boy five months after their marriage, asked
the gynaecologist the reason for this. The doctor said, 'I'll make it
easy for you to understand, these days this often happens in the case of
first child, but never afterwards.'
Consultation
A man visited his
psychiatrist with complaint of difficulty sleeping at night. He stated
the feeling of seeing ghosts under his bed. "Absolutely no
problem" said the psychiatrist. You need to see me once a
week for total of 6 weeks. My consultation per visit will be 200
dollars. The patient did not show up. The psychiatrist came across the
patient after a couple of weeks. How are you doing? I hope all is well,
you did not come for the therapy asked the psychiatrist. Well the
patient said, "I did not have the money to make it. I chopped the
four legs of the bed. There is no space between the bed and floor for
the ghost and I am sleeping well."
Professional
thieves
An unemployed man used to watch from his rooftop, few men enjoying daily
life at the local pub during the working hours. He always wondered if he
could do the same. One day he approached them and requested to be part
of their group. They said "we are thieves and if you are
interested, join us." Same night, they went for theft at a local
mansion. During the act, something fell in the kitchen and owner of the
house screamed in the dark, "Who is it?" One of the thieves
replied "Meow, Meow!" Owner said to family members, it seems
to be a cat and there is no problem. Next day the new recruit wondered
it is such a simple way out if things go wrong. He left the group to
carry out such activity by himself. During the theft at night a
decoration piece fell and woke up family members, one of them said in
the dark, "Who is it?" The man said it is a "Cat,
Cat!"
Reputation
A businessman buys a new
Rolls Royce car. After driving it for two days, it stops working. He is
very angry and phones the Rolls Royce dealer. One of the engineers there
opens the hood and says, 'Oh, my God there is no engine in it.' The
businessman says, 'How is that possible? I have been driving it for the
last two days' The engineer promptly replied; " You can drive a
Rolls Royce for two days on our reputation alone'.
Trust
One day a CEO of a company
gave a letter to the secretary to post. Next day he asked, "did you
post the letter, I gave you." "Yes Sir," replied the
secretary. Third day again he asked the secretary, "did you post
the letter, I had given to you the other day." Yes, replied the
secretary. On the fifth day, he asked the same question to the
secretary. The secretary said, "You don't trust me!" he put
his hand in the pocket and replied "here is the letter and
you can post it"
The Big Boss
Once a man went to the pet
store to buy a pet for himself. The salesman offered him three monkeys.
He asks the price of the first monkey. The shopkeeper says, "200
dollars, as he knows computers and typing".
He asks the price of the
second one and the shopkeeper says, "500 dollars". On asking
why so expensive, the shopkeeper says, "he knows how to surf the
internet and also web designing". He asks the price of third monkey
and the shopkeeper says, "2000 dollars". Why so expensive,
does he know everything? asks the man. "That I don’t know. He
doesn’t do anything, he just sits around; but the other two
monkeys call him the big boss".
Advertisement
A rich man had expired and
left for the heavenly abode. God said, "I see you have a reference
letter but I am sorry, I can't bring you back to life again. However, I
can show you a sample of heaven and hell and you can have a choice of
where to go".
In heaven everyone was
meditating, but in hell everyone was dancing. Hesitatingly, he said;
"I'd prefer hell".
When he arrived in hell he
was picked up by a demon and put in a cauldron of burning oil. He
shouted; "What is going on here". And God said, "What you
saw before was a publicity stunt. This is reality".
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