In honor of their marriage a mother gave her daughter and son-in-law a new 50 inch LCD TV. Shortly after it was delivered, she stopped over at the newlyweds to see the TV- She said, loudly to the son-in-law, “Enjoy the big, bright picture”. She quietly handed the remote to her daughter and whispered, “Here, enjoy the remote it is all yours!”
An elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a question with his doctor, “Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my wife?”
The doctor thought for a minute and said, “Well, it depends- when did you last have it?” The patient says, “I am not sure, I’ll call my wife and check.” The patient call and asks his wife, “Honey, when did we last have sex?” The wife replies, “May I know, who is calling?”
A Special Statement
A wealthy business man comes home drunk almost daily, that is usually followed by arguments and yelling at his wife. One fine morning upon waking up, he is surprised to see his bedroom in perfect shape. Everything seems to be in proper place, clean, spic and span with ironed clothes on the side. On a table he finds a note by his wife stating, “Breakfast is ready and lunch is packed”. “I Love you honey, I am going to work and will see you in the evening”. On the dining table he asks his son if everything is alright? The son says, “When you came home confused, swearing and dead drunk last night, Mom helped you to the bedroom and tried to take off your shoes and dirty clothes, You promptly said, “Hey! Madam, Don’t touch me, I’m married!”
A Special Consultation
A beautiful lady sore on the face goes to the doctor and says, “Every time my husband comes home late night drunk, we argue, yell at each other and he beats me left and right”. The doctor being an experienced old man replies, “I indeed have a good medicine for this sophisticated problem. When your husband comes home drunk, take a glass of green tea, put some ginger with a pinch of honey and start gargling with it. Gargle and gargle for about 10 to 15 minutes”.
After a couple of weeks the lady is all fresh, happy and thankful to the doctor. “It is a wonderful treatment”. “I repeatedly gargle and he neither argues nor beats me”. “I am indeed very curious to know the mechanics of treatment”.
The doctor politely says, “Sometimes keeping your mouth shut helps!”
A man selling hats passed through the woods everyday on his way to the market. One sunny day he decided to take a nap under the shade of a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find that all hats were gone. Hats were seen on the heads of chimps on the nearby trees. He knew how to fool the chimps so he scratched his leg and so did the chimps. He then took off his hat and threw on the ground and chimps of course repeated the same action. He gathered all his hats and sold at a good price. Seven decades later his grandson had a similar experience, while taking a nap on a warm afternoon in the woods. Remembering his grandfather’s story he looked at the chimps and scratched his legs, all the chimps imitated him. Next he threw his hat on the ground. None of the chimps did that and in fact within a few minutes a chimp came down the tree and picked up his hat. The grandson stared at the chimp and the chimp said, “Well, You are not the only one who had a grandfather”.
During the Neuropsychiatry rounds, the resident asks his attending, “So, What is the diagnosis of this patient?” The attending replies, “Indeed a very good question” “Well, let me put it this way. Our knowledge in this field has made great strides. Earlier we knew what we are talking about and now don’t even know what we are dealing with”.
A happily married couple for more than forty years used to frequently argue with each other.
One day the wife accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office for being stressed and worked up. After his checkup, the wife went to speak to the doctor alone. He said, “Your husband can die because of a very severe stress disorder and you should follow instructions carefully”.
“Be cheerful and pleasant at all times and don’t burden him with daily chores”. “Don’t discuss your problems or nag him”. “Each day fix him a healthy breakfast, a nutritious lunch and a nice dinner”. “Take out time to have an evening stroll with him”. “Well, make love to him regularly and if you do all this for couple of years, I am sure he will be back to his original form”. On the way back home the husband asked his wife “What discussion did you have with the Doc”? “Oh, nothing much, he just said you are going to die!”
A very wealthy business man says to his friendly neighbor, “If you run for the position of a Chief Minister in the forthcoming elections, I will leave no stone unturned and will spend maximum money for election campaign to ensure that you win”. The friend surprisingly asks, “You are interested to spend on me being a Chief Minister! Why don’t you run for the same position?”
The business man politely says, “You should understand, it wouldn’t be nice of me to be in that position and do all kinds of hanky panky things”.
Two friends meet at the campus cafetaria after a long period of time. One says to the other, “Has our professor who lives on the ground floor dormitory died? I haven’t seen him for ages”. “What makes you think like that?” asks his friend. “Well, lately I have been hearing a lot of praise about him on the campus”.
After a press conference on astrology and palmistry a journalist asks a famous palmist, “Sir, if you don’t mind can you tell me what do lines on your palm speak about your own future?” The palmist politely wispers in the journalist’s ears, “Unfortunately, they only say to cheat people”.
Don’t worry be happy!
A young graduate from an oil rich country, enrolls for PhD in Philosophy in the West. After a few months, he emails his father stating, “Dear Dad, I feel embarrassed driving to the university in my luxury car. All my professors use train.” His dad replies, “Don’t worry, be happy! I am transferring you 10 million and get a train.”
A beggar in a tourist spot was asking for alms carrying a tin bucket in each hand. A tourist dropped some money in one of the buckets but could not resist asking, “Sir, Why do you have two buckets, one in each hand? The beggar replied with a great enthusiasm, “The business is so good, I have recently opened a branch office.
A new hotel was almost ready in a large city and the hotel management had come up with the idea of having a rear door for various reasons. A meeting with the fire department officials concluded that the rear door should always be open for an easier escape and safety of the guests. On a later date, meeting with the security officials the decision was made to keep the rear door always locked for security purposes.
For final approval, the hotel management had their board meeting and they concluded to have two rear doors, one for the fire department always open and another for the security department always locked.
Two chain smokers were attending a spiritual ceremony and both wanted to smoke while in the complex. They planned to ask the spiritual head for permission. One said to the other, “I was denied.” “What did you ask?” inquired his friend. I asked, “Can I smoke while meditating?” and the head replied, “That is unacceptable.” “I am so sorry!” said his friend with a cigarette in his mouth. I just asked if I could meditate while I smoke and the head said, “Not a problem, my friend!”
Two young Postgraduate students upon completion of their Doctorates in Philosophy were attending a conference. They were full of knowledge and eager to use it with every opportunity. While staying at a nearby hotel, they went to visit the indoor swimming pool. They were shocked to find a person in a formal suit struggling in the pool and shouting, “Help! Help! Someone pushed me!”
Both young ladies looked at each other and one said firmly to the other, “It seems the person who pushed him definitely needs some kind of help.”
An office worker had a daily routine of taking the 7.00am bus to his work place. On the way he used to frequently come across the same passenger smoking a cigarette. One fine morning he requested, “Sir, I inhale half the smoke of your cigarette! Could you please refrain from smoking in the bus?”
The man softly replied, “Sure, will do, but please return half the amount of my cigarette cost in the last 6 months.”
A Learned Person
A highly educated scholar was travelling on a plane to chair an international conference. He was seated next to a beautiful young woman. After the plane tookoff, he turned to her and said, “Hello! I have heard that if two intellectuals talk to each other the destination comes quicker.” The lady replied, “What would you like to talk about?” The scholar says, “Well, what do you think about artificial intelligence?” The woman ponders, “Actually I have a quick question for you. If a goat, cow and a horse all eat green grass, why does then the goat produce small pellets, the cow produces a fuzzy material and the horse produces a grassy kind of stuff from the lower end”. The learned man thinks and replies, “I am not sure.” The young woman says, “You know nothing about crap! and you talk about things like artificial intelligence!”
This compilation of jokes includes the contributions from people around the world. I do not claim to be author of all the jokes. If anyone finds it offensive or has copyright of a specific joke, it is unintentional. In that case, please let us know and we will remove it.